Hi friends š±šµ
Iāve been missing people a little, or a lot, these days. I also miss wandering around by myself, on foot. My pandemic life is as calm as itās ever been, my routine is good, and Iām healthy. Iām grateful to be with family, and to have friends and colleagues I can video-call regularly, butāI do miss people. I miss the serendipity of seeing where my hunger takes me for a solo meal. I miss walking down a street side-by-side with a friend, pausing at stoplights, asking if they want ice cream, when in truth Iām the one that wants ice cream. I miss my classmates and the standing conversations weād have in hallways, how a simple āhelloā would turn into a ten-minute catch-up of inexplicable depth before we hurried off to other thingsāall those other things. I miss bookstores. I miss playing my ukulele in a crowded living room or by a campfire, fielding requests, hearing the hiss of a beer can pop open. How strange to think weāve been here for so long!
Iāve been doing some interviews and attempting other writings for the book, which apparently draws from the same part of my brain that generates these newsletters, so I havenāt had much gas in the tank. I think for this year a monthly cadence will have to do. But! I did want to share a few things that have helped me the last few weeks.
First, though: what have the last few weeks been like? Itās a strange timeāhaving a book come out is weird enough, I think, but thereās all the extra weirdness of the pandemic (as weāve established); then thereās additional weirdness because I have been intensively quarantining since June, and once we get through that thereās the weirdness that is just me, just my own particular neuroses around writing and publishing.
Iāve been doing that thing I sometimes do when Life Stuff Is Occurring: I split into two people, the person going through it, and another self who studies that person and says, very clinically, āAh! That was a thing you were feeling. And that is a bad habit youāre indulging. And now, oh dear, youāre wasting time.ā This self-examination seems to do a good job of keeping me together, because at least Iām awake, but itās also tiring. Iām a pretty calm personāI think friends would agree with thisāand I donāt like games. I try to stay honest, generally. But the result of that honesty is that Iām so aware how this whole time Iāve been slightly annoyed with myself for feeling flustered or panicky. Then when I try to deaden those feelings, I get annoyed with myself for having dead feelings. In sum: there is no pleasing the me that is doing the examination. All I can do is shrug and keep going.
Observantly Harsh Me is not always loud at least. I think Iād take her over the heaping dosage of guiltānot out of left field, exactly, but I donāt know that I was expecting it to this degree. I feel very lucky and privileged to have this book coming out, which is, in bad moments, converting to guilt in the minefield of my brain. I know how hard Iāve worked. I know how long itās taken. I know what Iāve done to get here, that it wasnāt just pure luck, but stillāitās been quite a trip, to unwind these feelings, inspect them, figure out some way around them. To believe that itās okay to want the book to do well. To think Iāve earned that right.
Talking it out with some trusted people has helped. Letting myself feel things, but not to the point of overwhelm. Iām better served not fueling the guilt, and instead thinking in a clear-eyed way about the things I can do. Improving my writing is on that listāso that I feel up to the generosity and praise of others. Helping people, in the specific ways I can, is another.
This all must sound very intense and worrying, but 70% of the time I donāt feel it at all! I'm occupying myself with workāboth writing and product managementāand reading, and indulging in rest (like FF7:R or kpop). So, like, Iām fine. And Iāve taken comfort during these baffling debut-times from the following things:
This thread from Brandon G. Taylor. (The replies and QTs to the tweet that sparked this are excellent too.)
This thread from K.M. Szpara.
Uncanny the Singing that Comes from Certain Husks, by Joy Williams.
Why does the writer write? The writer writes to serveāhopelessly he writes in the hope he might serveānot himself and not others, but that great cold elemental grace which knows us.
This advice.
Words, as always. Iām reading Upstream by Mary Oliver in the morning, listening to Cleanness by Garth Greenwell on audio, and at night Iāve started getting in a few pages of Elizabeth Knoxās The Absolute Book. Good words do good, healing things to my brain.
I have also been buoyed, as per usual, by friends and my family (mostly because they really help me cling to normalcy!). But one of the great rewards of having a book come out is that Iāve now also had kind words from strangers, or people I know less well, telling me theyāre excited, or that theyāve read an early copy and have enjoyed it. It wonāt work for everyone, but I know itās already worked for some people, and that is terrifically gratifying.
And as a last resort I have a stash of some very kind fanfic commentsāso now you know what Iāll be turning to when my careful defense mechanisms go haywire. š
News and things
February 23 is in less than two weeks! š±
Never Have I Ever received a starred review from Booklist! š I am absolutely delighted by this, especially because I feel the reviewer really got it. The full review will be up on the 15th, but in the meantime, I can share this:
Yapās characters foster fierce protective love, and her ability to channel those emotions into extraordinary, strange tales is what makes Never Have I Ever such a joy to read.
I did an interview with Polly Goss that includes how the book came about, how Iāve managed to write during the pandemic, and how hard it is to write novels. š¬
The collection has appeared on reading lists from Book Marks, Tor.com, Ms. Magazine, California Reading, Lambda Literary, and maybe some other places I have missed! š
Arley Sorg reviewed my book on Lightspeed Magazine, and said:
Collections such as this one are like ordering the tasting menu at a fine restaurant. After you finish that first story, you will sit in silence, letting it sink in, completely taken by the lingering effects. And when that hunger to read more tugs at you: Thankfully, thereās more on offer, carefully curated via the exacting standards of Gavin Grant and Kelly Link of Small Beer Press.
Iāll be a bit of a walking š emoji until the book is out, Iām afraid. Despite all the nerves Iāve detailed here I am also incredibly excited to be able to share these stories with a broader swathe of people. Until then, you can pre-order for yourself or for a friend! ā¤ļø
Thanks as always for reading! Wishing a safe and kind February to you all. The title of this newsletter is also from the Joy Williams essay. If you liked this post, feel free to share it with others, orĀ sign upĀ if you havenāt yet.